Your lips are moist…
Wet after sipping a glass of wine
Unaware that I am there
Just watching you, watching time…
A glance at your wrist
It’s half past midnight
You’ve waited so long
But he isn’t in sight
You’re already intoxicated by the six glasses
of vodka and a high class bottle of brandy
You’re dizzy, ready to lose all hope,
but almost but suddenly
The person you thought was him…
Hopes brought low…fire dim, wasn’t there…
Wasn’t the man you expected
Because he wasn’t as fair
But…time has its way of manipulating things
And so does your drink
It distorts what is
And what you should think
You grab your fancy bag
In hope that he would finally appear
To then realize it’s one ‘o’ clock
And you’ve had too much beer
Waiting for the ‘one’ is hard to do
So just give up and cast yourself a fool
So leave, drunk…and sad
Maybe he wasn’t the best you ever had
And you do…
Soon after he walks into the room…
Holding a bouquet of roses and a ring in his pocket
He looks up, realizing you are gone
Nothing to say but maybe there’s a reason for it
And without second thought
He storms into the streets
Looking for the love of his life
The woman he was suppose to meet….
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I agree with TBR this seems forced and has seemed had to pointed out all the mistake.
"Your lips are moist…
Wet after sipping a glass of wine"
People could assume his lips are already moist and wet... no need for repitition.
I got majorly confused, who were you watching in the beginning? Who was waiting for who?
"but almost but suddenly"
Icky line... Change it.
"The person you thought was him…
Hopes brought low…fire dim, wasn’t there… "
Change the elipsis's to commas and all those other fancy puncuation marks. They're getting annoying.
Hmm it wasn't until the end that I realized it rhymed... no wonder it sounded so forced...
Did these people know each another?
I can't say I liked this one, not the best I've read, I mean, all the descriptions were great, but there was mass confusion within me.
This didn't interest me too much until I connected the title to the poem.
this is good. it was a bit bland of poetic language, excluding the first paragraph, but i overall liked it. personally, due to the situation, i think the guy got what he deserved...and i thought you were going somewhere with the whole thing that she was drunk, but that led to nothing, as she just up and left.